Aw tonight with my bestfriend was nice. Pho is so friggin good I’m actually craving some more at the moment. Then starbucks where we got a bestfriend discount on our fraps and then some shopping. We got matching tea cups and cute clothes n_n I got work the next 4 days and I’m hoping they go by super fast. Gonna shower then play some video games til it’s time for bed…OH and some tea in my new tea cup :3
Finally out of bed, drinking some coffee and trying to get rid of this tension headache. Going out to eat Pho with brianna tonight. Never had it but I’ve heard great things about it. I work all weekend which bums me out because there were some things I needed to get and do. Hopefully tonight I can order my elf ears for my Princess Zelda cosplay for the 14th, that’s the day of the symphony. I also need brown boots and a piece of blue cloth and fabric paint……I need quite a bit of things for this cosplay actually. I’m not gonna go all the way but kinda simplify it due to money issues and timing and how terrible I am at painting or designing. Can’t wait to put it all together though!!. I also need to retouch my roots and I was thinking about cutting my bangs short, since I’m already blonde I don’t need a wig, although I’d prefer to have one so that I can atleast get that part of the cosplay right but I just can’t afford it right now. Whenever Comicon is back in orlando I will totally go princess Zelda all the way :3 Or maybe Saria…hmmm. So many things I have to buy and get done wahhh!! Also aside from all that Molly needs grooming and I have to start saving up for my camera and Randall’s bday present. My head’s gonna explode -__________-
Just woke up from a 3 hour delirious nap. I was in and out of sleep and had the weirdest dreams. My eyes are so swollen from crying because of a very heated argument I had with my mother leading me into a very bad anxiety attack. Quite possibly the worst I’ve had in a while. I used to self harm in high school and my mind kept going back into that mind frame where I wanted to seriously hurt myself or take something. I was hyperventilating and shaking and clenching my fist, I have not felt so awful for sometime so it all hit me hard today. I got some encouraging words from someone wonderful and fell asleep crying.
I’d love to cut her out of my life and move on, but this is my mother, she brought me into this world and she can easily take me out. She drives me to that point sometimes. She is also a sickly woman so I couldn’t just stop talking to her knowing that something can happen, and nobody knows about her meds and conditions like I do. She would also keep me from seeing my siblings and that I am NOT having. She says I don’t spend enough time with them and that I’m a bad sister. I work all the time, barely have time for myself. I don’t even have my license so how am I supposed to go get them and spend time. She needs to make the effort too and help me out. But she doesn’t listen and just says very hurtful things to me. It’s been like this since I was in high school. I should have probably partied and not have been so afraid of getting in trouble with her then because look at us now. She sent me 3 long hurtful emails and I sent her a short one and told her I’m done arguing with her, that I’m gonna spend time with my siblings but she needs to leave me alone.
I’ve done so much for those kids, I love them and they mean the world to me. Whatever they want I give to them because I know it’s hard for my parents. I try to make their birthdays as special as I can, and I always try and talk to them and ask them how school is and give them advice and it hurts that she tries to turn them against me. Sometimes I feel like she just wants me to completely mother them, what if I was in school? What would she do, what would I do?? I’d have to get rid of my phone or else she’d never let me get through school or work. It’s like she wants me to give up everything and tend to her and the kids. She even made me feel guilty for all the fun I had on the weekend after my bday. It’s ridiculous. That was the first little vacay I had in over a year. I work so damn hard and physically and emotionally I am constantly on over drive.
I’m tired and feel run down from it all, on top of my own personal problems I have her making things worse for me. I just can’t cut her out, I don’ have the heart to do it but oh my god she is killing me. My head still hurts and I’m still sleepy, but I made some coffee and I’m gonna stay up a little and listen to some music. Make a list of things I want and that would make me happy. I’m off tomorrow so I can sleep whenever.
Tonight’s dinner: Pulled pork sandwich with roasted red potatoes :D
I also don’t know how I’m going to sleep tonight because I woke up so late today, AND I have to be at work tomorrow by 9:30 am -___- Gonna just listen to music and play games til it hits me, hopefully not too late.
I’ve been there girl, stay strong, it isn’t easy, but you can come out of that. And stopping birth control was the best decision I ever made, it made me crazy and had to much physical affects too. Good luck :)
Aw thank you for your words, I’m trying to stay strong :) Yea I’ve been taking them for 2 years now and it’s done nothing but make everything thing harder for me, physically and emotionally. Thank you love<333
My anxiety has gotten the best of me lately. Having lots of chest pain and high blood pressure recently. I didn’t see the big deal but my mom kinda freaked out and demanded I stop taking birth control because it’s contributing and making me have the high blood pressure and water retention. I guess I’m a little too young to be feeling that way. But that stuff I will be taking care of soon. Other than that I keep picking at my nails, they are short and hurt but I can’t stop myself, my mind wanders and I go into this weird state of mind. Then before I know it half an hour has past and all I did was sit there, stare into nothing and pick at my nails. I really really need to take more care of myself, I need to take time and see a doctor and not work as much, I’m feeling run down and way more exhausted than I usually feel. Maybe because I keep faking my happiness, but I don’t like people who are sad and all doom and gloom all the time, I feel bad and wanna hug it all out but I know it won’t help and who am I to tell them to cheer up. Atleast they are being honest, I’m the one faking it and bottling everything up inside. But it’s gotten me this far, sometimes I have to force myself to bottle it all up inside and then let it all out in one take, just have a couple of good cry’s and then go on with my life with a smile on my face. I tell myself things will get better and I believe it and that’s pretty much how I’ve gotten this far on no meds at all. Constantly giving myself false hope, it’s almost like living a lie, like I have this awful dreadful sad side of me locked away somewhere and she is like some kind of dark secret that I’m ashamed of. I do drink an awful lot lately, which I shoudn’t do because of my health. I do have alot more self control then I used to though so I’ll be ok. Basically I just need to focus more on myself and my physical and mental health. No more numbing it with alcohol or bottling it up inside. I’m gonna start exercising more, going out more and being more open about my feelings. Not to everyone of course but just to certain people who I basically trust with my life and who I know love and care about me. Maybe talking to someone in person about it will make me feel better. I just don’t wanna take meds, they freak me out. And I hate talking to doctors about my emotions. Either way….I can’t keep holding it all in, as good as I’ve gotten faking my “happiness”, I’m doing myself more harm hiding it and not taking care of it
But yea…..I just needed a good vent. And it’s late and I am kinda sleepy so my mind is running wild before I pfto. So sorry if I freak some of you out >.<