Just woke up from a 3 hour delirious nap. I was in and out of sleep and had the weirdest dreams. My eyes are so swollen from crying because of a very heated argument I had with my mother leading me into a very bad anxiety attack. Quite possibly the worst I’ve had in a while. I used to self harm in high school and my mind kept going back into that mind frame where I wanted to seriously hurt myself or take something. I was hyperventilating and shaking and clenching my fist, I have not felt so awful for sometime so it all hit me hard today. I got some encouraging words from someone wonderful and fell asleep crying.
I’d love to cut her out of my life and move on, but this is my mother, she brought me into this world and she can easily take me out. She drives me to that point sometimes. She is also a sickly woman so I couldn’t just stop talking to her knowing that something can happen, and nobody knows about her meds and conditions like I do. She would also keep me from seeing my siblings and that I am NOT having. She says I don’t spend enough time with them and that I’m a bad sister. I work all the time, barely have time for myself. I don’t even have my license so how am I supposed to go get them and spend time. She needs to make the effort too and help me out. But she doesn’t listen and just says very hurtful things to me. It’s been like this since I was in high school. I should have probably partied and not have been so afraid of getting in trouble with her then because look at us now. She sent me 3 long hurtful emails and I sent her a short one and told her I’m done arguing with her, that I’m gonna spend time with my siblings but she needs to leave me alone.
I’ve done so much for those kids, I love them and they mean the world to me. Whatever they want I give to them because I know it’s hard for my parents. I try to make their birthdays as special as I can, and I always try and talk to them and ask them how school is and give them advice and it hurts that she tries to turn them against me. Sometimes I feel like she just wants me to completely mother them, what if I was in school? What would she do, what would I do?? I’d have to get rid of my phone or else she’d never let me get through school or work. It’s like she wants me to give up everything and tend to her and the kids. She even made me feel guilty for all the fun I had on the weekend after my bday. It’s ridiculous. That was the first little vacay I had in over a year. I work so damn hard and physically and emotionally I am constantly on over drive.
I’m tired and feel run down from it all, on top of my own personal problems I have her making things worse for me. I just can’t cut her out, I don’ have the heart to do it but oh my god she is killing me. My head still hurts and I’m still sleepy, but I made some coffee and I’m gonna stay up a little and listen to some music. Make a list of things I want and that would make me happy. I’m off tomorrow so I can sleep whenever.