My fingers hurt from picking at my nails ;______; damn my anxiety. Sick of this….

Today started off absolutely shitty. I wanted to cry, went to the doctors, my blood pressure was sky high and I wasn’t able to get my birth control and in order to get it I have to come in again tomorrow for them to recheck my blood pressure. I’m so very close to saying fuck everything and not go and just discontinue taking it. Especially since I find a gyno in my area who I’d rather see. I also need to stop reading birth control horror stories online.

Got coffee and dinner with my bestfriend Brianna after that which was much much needed, she’s going through a bit of what I’m going through with her bf so we need time away from them to just talk and have girl time. I felt so much better afterwards just being able to let it all out and have someone who would listen and can relate.

It makes me so sad that its come down to this. I understand he’s under stress lately with work but it gives him no right to treat me like shit. I’m sick of every week him and I fight and stay mad at each other. I feel like he’s changed so much and it breaks my heart because I truly thought we’d be together…well not forever because what is forever? I just want him to be happy and nice like he used to be. Tonight we got into a huge argument to where we were just screaming at each other, it was awful, had an anxiety attack and almost packed my shit and told Brianna to come pick me up, but I sat there crying and shaking for a good half hour until I was able to calm myself down. Now my eyes are swollen from crying and my head is pounding. I’m so sick of this, I’m so sick of being unhappy and my brain being flooded with things I have to do when I don’t even have money for any of it. Never do I ever take that stress out on him though. Especially with my anxiety disorder, I never treat him like shit EVER. I simply wanna be held and told that every thing will be ok. I just don’t understand how or why things got so bad, we were living in worse conditions and dealing with more money problems where we used to live, back then I never had money and he had to pay for everything, back then the guy we lived with was charging us 500 each. I just don’t see how money is what’s stressing him out. I don’t know if it’s because he’s bored with his life or with where it’s going. There’s only so much I can do or say to make him feel better but it gives him no right to treat me like the enemy. I feel so trapped, I wish I could just pack my shit and leave somewhere for some time but I don’t have the time and money for that. I’d stay at my parents but my mom and I are still not getting along, and every time I go over there my allergies go crazy. I just don’t know, maybe I should go to bed and decide in the morning. So emotionally drained.

Just woke up from a 3 hour delirious nap. I was in and out of sleep and had the weirdest dreams. My eyes are so swollen from crying because of a very heated argument I had with my mother leading me into a very bad anxiety attack. Quite possibly the worst I’ve had in a while. I used to self harm in high school and my mind kept going back into that mind frame where I wanted to seriously hurt myself or take something. I was hyperventilating and shaking and clenching my fist, I have not felt so awful for sometime so it all hit me hard today. I got some encouraging words from someone wonderful and fell asleep crying.

I’d love to cut her out of my life and move on, but this is my mother, she brought me into this world and she can easily take me out.  She drives me to that point sometimes. She is also a sickly woman so I couldn’t just stop talking to her knowing that something can happen, and nobody knows about her meds and conditions like I do. She would also keep me from seeing my siblings and that I am NOT having. She says I don’t spend enough time with them and that I’m a bad sister. I work all the time, barely have time for myself. I don’t even have my license so how am I supposed to go get them and spend time. She needs to make the effort too and help me out. But she doesn’t listen and just says very hurtful things to me. It’s been like this since I was in high school. I should have probably partied and not have been so afraid of getting in trouble with her then because look at us now.  She sent me 3 long hurtful emails and I sent her a short one and told her I’m done arguing with her, that I’m gonna spend time with my siblings but she needs to leave me alone.

I’ve done so much for those kids, I love them and they mean the world to me. Whatever they want I give to them because I know it’s hard for my parents. I try to make their birthdays as special as I can, and I always try and talk to them and ask them how school is and give them advice and it hurts that she tries to turn them against me. Sometimes I feel like she just wants me to completely mother them, what if I was in school? What would she do, what would I do?? I’d have to get rid of my phone or else she’d never let me get through school or work. It’s like she wants me to give up everything and tend to her and the kids. She even made me feel guilty for all the fun I had on the weekend after my bday. It’s ridiculous. That was the first little vacay I had in over a year. I work so damn hard and physically and emotionally I am constantly on over drive.

I’m tired and feel run down from it all, on top of my own personal problems I have her making things worse for me. I just can’t cut her out, I don’ have the heart to do it but oh my god she is killing me. My head still hurts and I’m still sleepy, but I made some coffee and I’m gonna stay up a little and listen to some music. Make a list of things I want and that would make me happy. I’m off tomorrow so I can sleep whenever.

My anxiety has gotten the best of me lately. Having lots of chest pain and high blood pressure recently. I didn’t see the big deal but my mom kinda freaked out and demanded I stop taking birth control because it’s contributing and making me have the high blood pressure and water retention. I guess I’m a little too young to be feeling that way. But that stuff I will be taking care of soon. Other than that I keep picking at my nails, they are short and hurt but I can’t stop myself, my mind wanders and I go into this weird state of mind. Then before I know it half an hour has past and all I did was sit there, stare into nothing and pick at my nails. I really really need to take more care of myself, I need to take time and see a doctor and not work as much, I’m feeling run down and way more exhausted than I usually feel. Maybe because I keep faking my happiness, but I don’t like people who are sad and all doom and gloom all the time, I feel bad and wanna hug it all out but I know it won’t help and who am I to tell them to cheer up. Atleast they are being honest, I’m the one faking it and bottling everything up inside. But it’s gotten me this far, sometimes I have to force myself to bottle it all up inside and then let it all out in one take, just have a couple of good cry’s and then go on with my life with a smile on my face. I tell myself things will get better and I believe it and that’s pretty much how I’ve gotten this far on no meds at all. Constantly giving myself false hope, it’s almost like living a lie, like I have this awful dreadful sad side of me locked away somewhere and she is like some kind of dark secret that I’m ashamed of.  I do drink an awful lot lately, which I shoudn’t do because of my health. I do have alot more self control then I used to though so I’ll be ok. Basically I just need to focus more on myself and my physical and mental health. No more numbing it with alcohol or bottling it up inside. I’m gonna start exercising more, going out more and being more open about my feelings. Not to everyone of course but just to certain people who I basically trust with my life and who I know love and care about me. Maybe talking to someone in person about it will make me feel better. I just don’t wanna take meds, they freak me out. And I hate talking to doctors about my emotions. Either way….I can’t keep holding it all in, as good as I’ve gotten faking my “happiness”, I’m doing myself more harm hiding it and not taking care of it

But yea…..I just needed a good vent. And it’s late and I am kinda sleepy so my mind is running wild before I pfto. So sorry if I freak some of you out >.<

It’s come to be alot harder than I can handle. I used to use this tumblr blog as an outlet, to vent and maybe meet others going through the same. Instead I ended up faking my happiness on here, acting like everything is ok or is gonna be ok. Unfortunately I’ve acted the same in with life in general. It’s one thing to have hopes on things turning out ok, but lately I just fake the shit out of it when I’m actually dying inside. I have not seen a doctor/therapist in over a year. I thought that I can do this without the meds or therapy but it has truly begun to eat away at me. I keep putting other things and people ahead of me and its taking a toll on my emotional health. Physically I feel so so run down and tired all the time. I take all these vitamins that are supposed to help, and nothing. So sick of the aches and pains. I don’t like posting stuff like this on here because of the amount of people who follow this blog actually know me in real life. In fact I’m probably gonna start a separate blog and just use it to vent things I wouldn’t normally vent to others, and maybe just keep this as my own “picture” blog…I don’t know. Probably go under a different name or something. Growing up I always had a diary that I would write in. For me blogging or writing down my thoughts always kinda made me feel better. Then sometimes I’d look back and read them, laugh at myself or congratulate myself for getting through whatever was happening at the time, sometimes even rip the pages out and shred them, it helped alot during my teens.

Right now Molly needs surgery, and it’s gonna cost me a shit load to pay for it, but it’ll be worth it, I love that dog more than anything, she is my baby, my angel. She has been there for me when everyone else has let me down, and I’m gonna do what I can to make her feel better. She is not just a dog to me, she’s family.

back to reality. David left back for Japan this morning. We had breakfast together with some friends at a yummy diner near my house. Then we gave each other the longest hug ever. Every time he comes it seems to get even harder to say goodbye. Especially when this time I don’t even know when he’ll be back. Last time he left he was sure he was coming for the New Year. I already miss him :( Now instead of planning our next adventure, it’s back to reality of working and saving. I’m currently gonna start saving for a new camera, I’d like an upgrade. I’ll just use my old one as my fish eye camera and leave the lens on. I also need to start making appointments now that I have insurance. Need new glasses and to see my primary doctor. Need to fix myself, I’m surprised how ok I’ve done since last February when I ran out of my last medication. It all could have been or gotten worse, so I’m grateful. I almost feel like I am starting a new chapter in my life. It’s hard to explain. I tried explaining it to David but the words wouldn’t come out correctly. He still knew what I meant tho. It’s like high school was one chapter then moving out of my parents til now was another. I feel as tho I’m starting a new one, as a woman this time. 2011 was so full of change for me, I feel like it has all prepared me for this new part of my life. I feel stronger and more hopeful than I have ever which makes me question if I should really seek help from a doctor or if I should just try to make myself better. We’ll just have to see what happens..

Aside from my stomach being fucked up I’ve wanted to just get out of this house and yet not leave my bed. Wanted to come out of my skin. I don’t know why I get like this all the time but I’m over it!

I wake up not quite knowing what to do with myself. I mean I could play video games and wash the dishes but I just don’t want to. I don’t wanna even be on here. It’s a mixture of sleepyness, anxiety and confusion. Maybe I slept in too much this morning. Maybe because it is that time of the month. Or the fact that I work the next three days. It also could be that I haven’t gotten any of my Christmas shopping done and the fact that I’m getting gifts for more people than I did last year. I also wish we had some really cold weather already, I wanna whip out my leather jacket, I miss it. If I could I’d go get some starbucks and possibly Chipotle. Sometimes I wish I did have my license so that I could go off on my own and just spend the day alone.  Maybe I should take a shower and eat something. I hate feeling this way