I just snacked on cheezits and chips/dip and now I’m shivering under my Little Mermaid blanket. I don’t know why I’m so cold all of a sudden. The past few days have been strange yet wonderful, I’m not sure how to explain it. I wish I had weekends off more often. I know I live with him but I am truly at my happiest when I’m home next to him, nobody could hurt me and I mean NOBODY. Sometimes I wish we could both pack our stuff and just start over somewhere else. Nobody getting into our business and telling us what to do with our lives. Even tho the past few days have been nice I’m beginning to feel outside myself again. Thank goodness I’m off tomorrow too so that I can pull myself together for work Tuesday. Ok I’m babbling,  I can’t wait to sleep in our new bed sheets tonight tho mmm

Had trouble concentrating, made a million mistakes at work. Cried at home alot. Argued with my parents, my boyfriend, my dog. At way too much junk. Over thinking about my grandma. It’s been absolutely awful. She doesn’t really have much left to live either. The doctor doesn’t even think she’ll make it up to December. Her body is slowly dying. They thought of removing everything and letting her die in peace but she wants to fight til the end and still has hope in making it. It kills me to see her hooked to all these machines, crying and trying to reach out to people. I can’t take it. I don’t want that to be my last memory of her, suffering.

Worked all weekend and it was fucking horrible. It was so busy I wanted to pull my hairs out. I was so overwhelmed that coming home I barely said much to my boyfriend. Finally off tho today and tomorrow. I’m not going to do jack shit but watch movies and eat possibly some more junk food. I need to not use my brain and over think for at least a day.

Loving my purple hair tho :)

I’ve had so much anxiety lately and just alot in general on my shoulders. I need some sort of a getaway….

Could NOT concentrate at work for the life of me. Been so worried for my grandmother. She is in very very bad condition. She wanted them to pull the plug on her today and let her die, but she decided to keep fighting instead. She cried and cried to me and my aunt saying she doesn’t wanna die, that she just wants to be with her family. Afterward I broke down crying so fucking hard. I can’t imagine how awful she must feel right now. She has always been like a second mother to me. That visit alone completely traumatized me today. When I went grocery shopping I could not think and felt like I was gonna have some kinda panic attack. I passed out when I got home and work up around 8. I don’t feel anymore better, but I did get a text from my aunt saying she is stable now, which is good. So I’m gonna try to go back to sleep and relax. I have work in the morning, which I’m not looking forward to.

That you walk laps around your house and even begin to clean things that don’t have to be cleaned and then realize “what the fuck am I doing” mhmm yea I’m having one of those days. It’s my only day off for the next few days and I surprisingly really wanted to get out of the house. Was even tempted to ride my bike somewhere but I had nowhere to leave Molly. My anxiety to get out was so high. And then you see friends make plans together and not really include you, and sometimes they even tell you just to make you jealous but not invite you, and then you see all the Halloween events happening over the weekend that you are going to miss. You realize that your just the second best thing for your friends that they really don’t wanna hang out with you in the first place because someone better or funner is around. Your mind just starts to wander a little too far. You begin to feel lonely like there really is no one and then you feel sad and sometimes even cry….Yup its been one of those days :(

But instead I feel depressed and miserable. Tossed and turned up until 2am because of an awful fight me and my mom got into over the phone. My dad is being an asshole again so she begins piling things on my back to do for her. Jesus I can’t even get things done for myself, how do you expect me to help you. And then when I say no she gets down and dirty and start insulting and talking shit about the person I’m with. Honestly that fucking hurts my feelings. Then to treat me like I’m an awful daughter. I just don’t know why everyone wants shit from me. Do I honestly look like I can help, have you actually seen what progress I’ve made in my life NO!!! I’m 21 still NOT in school, still don’t have my license because of my fear of driving not being any better, and even if I did I couldn’t afford a fucking car, and working a minimum wage retail job, please fuck off!!!!! I know I’m your daughter, I know I gotta be there for my siblings too but god, there’s honestly only so much I can do. Atleast you can see a doctor and get help, I can’t I have to wait til November to get insurance. It’s just fucking awful. I just laid in bed last night crying with the most ridiculous anxiety and nothing to calm it down. I hate fighting with my mom, I love her so much, but gosh she’s so awful when she is depressed and angry, it’s like daughter or not she will disown me if she has to. It’s like she has no respect for the fact that I got a life too, I have my responsibilities. You can’t just pile shit on my back and expect me to do it when you want. This is why I moved out, and til this day I still do not regret moving out, cause at that point my life had depended on it, so it was for the better…..

My mind is seriously just flooded with thoughts of just…everything, love, death, life. The past few weeks I have been pushed to the floor several times, as much as it hurts and I cry and rage, I end up picking myself up and keep going. Today was a day where I just wanted to give up, I cried by myself several times. My bf consistently asking me what was wrong and if I was ok, I just kept saying I was fine. My weight has been really bothering me alot despite how hard I’m working to lose weight. But today it kinda hit me that its not just my weight and not having a job that has me like this…it’s definitely something deeper,which resorts back to my anxiety and depression. I’m always shrugging it off calling it a bad day. I haven’t been on medication in a very long time, not since January. Since then my mind has been scrambled and just everywhere, even more since I take birth control. I keep telling myself it’s ok November is around the corner ( which is when my parents can put me on there insurance). But it has gotten so much harder lately. I feel like I am walking on thin ice with myself. And the people around me who say they care and love me are doing nothing but adding fuel to the fire. 

I’m not writing this as a cry for help, it’s more like venting for me, I usually feel so much better after a good cry, which I had a couple of hours ago, followed by a nap, and some venting, whether it’s on a blogging site or to someone else, like my bestfriend Estefani, that girl has been through sooo much bullshit in her life that when I vent it’s like she’s reading my mind and knows exactly what to say back. She’s always up late like I am so I don’t feel so alone at this time of the night.

Gonna take a few photos today, it’s been awhile, since June actually. Every other photo since then has been through my webcam, which doesn’t do much justice with my new hair color. Might even whip out the red lipstick too. I have yet heard anything since my interview Monday so I’m not sure if I’ll be called in for the second interview or not. Last night upon being up alone I began to feel super down and depressed, I even cried myself to sleep. Sometimes I wonder how much of a better, funner, nicer person I’d be if I didn’t feel this way all the damn time. How much better my life would probably be. It’s a continuous rut that I’ve been in since my teens, which turned out to be NOT just a phase. Once I get a job and insurance I am gonna seek treatment and finally possibly move on up in my life.